The Wide Bride Strikes Back

        It’s that time again, readers. I’ve put on my sweatpants, poured myself a cold glass of orange squash and pulled up my legwarmers. I’m all ready to get warmed up and jiggle about in front of my lounge windows so I can fit into a nice white dress. Thank goodness this isn’t a video blog.

        Since the workouts I covered in last week’s blog were mostly aerobic, I decided to seek out something different. My search took me to the local discount video store, a veritable fitness vid treasure trove.

        First up - THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS WORKOUT

(Under £5 online/HMV)

        Yes, I know. Just hear me out.

Although the title of this DVD contains the words ‘pussycat’ and ‘dolls’, like so many merchandised DVDs, the glitzy gyrating girl-posse are barely featured. Instead, the workouts are helmed by Robin Antin, choreographer and the brains behind the PCD outfit.

Since this DVD came out relatively early in the group’s career (I understand there is now a sequel), the routines cover two songs: ‘Don’t Cha’ and ‘Buttons’. In a nutshell, these could be re-titled “Up-Tempo Boastful Lead Single” and “Gritty Bhangra-Styled Gyrate-o-fest”. The workouts, or ‘routines’ are broken down into a practice and performance run of each song, with a bonus ‘Burlesque’ section in the middle.

The first routine covers ‘Up-Temp’… sorry, ‘Don’t Cha’. Robin takes you through the moves one step at a time, stopping to recap the whole routine whenever you learn a new move. The collection of moves spans familiar dance/aerobics standards such as the lunge and box steps, and before you know it you’ve built up a fluid eight-bar dance routine. Both routines are tough yet rewarding, and your heart is constantly pumping. My face is flushing too, and not just because I’m hot – as you’d expect from a group named ‘Pussycat Dolls’, some of the moves are quite sultry!

For the Burlesque section in the middle, you’ll need a feather boa, a scarf, or a tie. All of the moves in this section involve flinging your prop around (please, I'll make the jokes) so if you’re pushed for space, take a moment to move all breakable trinkets out of the way. This section took a little more skill as well as a dollop of sauciness - if you’re easily embarrassed or have voyeuristic neighbours, perhaps skip this.

GOOD: It’s fun, and it gets you moving in ways you probably hadn’t encountered before. As it’s dance-based, you need a fair amount of co-ordination and flexibility, but because the routine is short and repeated so often, you’ll pick most of it up.

BAD: At one point, Robin suggests you wear high heels during your workout – I didn’t, simply because it seemed very dangerous! The moves get progressively trickier, requiring more agility and stamina so you might end up only using parts of the video.

UGLY: If you really can’t stand the Pussycat Dolls, you should know better than to buy this video (even though they’re barely in it).

THE LOWDOWN: It’s a good workout to have in your collection, simply because it provides a nice change from aerobics. The burlesque moves are fun and flirty, and the routines are easy to pick up. However, since the routines are so short (for example, the ‘Don’t Cha’ routine is one chorus long) you may get bored. Keep it on your shelf, but buy something else to go with it too.

Next up – FAME! THE WORKOUT

(Less than £5 online/Amazon.com)

I like musical theatre (big surprise), so I was delighted to find this DVD. In case you’re not familiar with the concept of Fame, a group of rag-tag misfits get a scholarship to a performing arts school and go on to achieve varying amounts of success. So how would this translate into a fitness video? Well, you’d assume there’d be a lot of dancing.

You’d be right: there are a LOT of dancers. If they’re not gyrating behind daft-named instructor K9 (no, not this one), they’re loitering dead-eyed in the background, like awkwardly posed shop mannequins. It’s a bit off-putting.

I’m going to be honest: I spent no more than ten minutes on this video. The warm up was comprehensive, until it got to the point where I had to lower myself to the ground to stretch – I knew there and then that it wasn’t going to happen without an accident occurring.

The next sections followed the same mould as the Pussycat Dolls’ videos: putting together a routine, and then performing it. Unlike PCD however, suddenly I was launched into moves with barely any explanation. They were too quick and too close together, and to make any sense of them I’d have had to pause the DVD and rewind it every five seconds. I struggled on for about five minutes, but after repeatedly kicking myself in the shin and swearing, I had to give up.

GOOD: It boasts an impressive repertoire of moves, including a stretching and ballet section I spotted in the intro that might have been good if I’d managed to get there.

BAD: Definitely not for anyone who isn’t already a very competent dancer, to the point where injury might occur.

UGLY: It was kind of a waste of money for me. Routines went by too quickly, and I just couldn't co-ordinate myself quickly enough. Admittedly, the amount of quizzical and annoyed expressions I pulled probably qualified as a facial muscles workout.

THE LOWDOWN: I can’t state enough – NOT A BEGINNER’S DVD. If you want to buy it and keep it back then feel free, but believe me when I say you need to be a very competent and flexible dancer to feel the benefit of this video.

And finally…THE GODDESS WORKOUT: BELLYDANCING 

(Under £3 online/Amazon.com)

“Bellydancing?” I said to myself when I found this DVD. “Heh, my belly already dances when I run, thanks very much. I’ll give this a miss.”

“Go on,” said another voice in my head. “Give it a go. What have you got to lose – except about three stone?”

Once I’d finished creeping out the other people in the store by talking to myself in silly voices, I bit the bullet and bought the DVD.

At home, the doubt crept in again. With a name like The Goddess Workout and led by a woman called Dolphina, I was afraid it would be new-agey and fluffy, more about chakras than cardio. As the DVD started up, I was somewhat relieved to see it was set in a quiet studio with no backup dancers.

As we started warming up, I discovered muscles that I didn’t even know I had. Dolphina told me to clear my mind and make the workout an extension of ‘me time’. Fluffy as that sounded, I found that the more relaxed I was the easier it was to do the moves. I have limited movement in one of my hips, but she explained that a lot of people are naturally lop-sided and thus may find it easier to flex one side than the other.

Unless you’d tried it before, you wouldn’t think that bellydancing could work up a sweat and get your heart racing, but it really did. The workout loosened up my normally stiff back and hips, making the afternoon walk I went on later that day a lot easier. It was also a lot of fun! I hadn’t yet encountered a workout that I enjoyed so much. I kept going for 35 minutes, which seemed to go past in a heartbeat.

GOOD: Really fun, moves are easy and well explained. Dolphina (probably a pseudonym) is a pleasant instructor and puts together easy routines. You’ll feel the benefit of this workout.

BAD: Much like the Pussycat Dolls workout, you’ll know it’s not your sort of thing just by looking at the cover…but then, look how wrong my judgment of it was!

UGLY: I honestly can’t think of anything to put here.

THE LOWDOWN: If you’re looking for something different in a workout, try this. It works out the whole body as well as being relaxing at times. 

I feel I should point out that after a fortnight of trying these workouts at least once a day teamed with sensible eating, I've lost a surprising 9lbs. After the next Wide Bride installment, I'll be doing a roundup of my healthy eating plan as well as a guide to putting together a realistic workout regime. If you've found a fitness video you want me to try, leave it in the comments below - no challenge too ridiculous!  

Please note: Again, I didn't do all of these in one afternoon, and you shouldn't either. You should also consult your doctor before trying out any strenuous activity, changing your diet, or attempting homemade liposuction with a Henry hoover, a steak knife and a binbag. If they say yes to that, for the love of Aisha, change doctors.

Decisions, Decisions?

I’m not good at making decisions.

This information will probably come as no surprise to most of you who know me, and it certainly doesn’t come as a surprise to Neety. Yes, in case you hadn’t realised, this is the second contribution to this blog from the worlds luckiest man – Neety’s future husband, Brawny!

Anyway, now that I’ve introduced myself, let us go back to my previous statement. I’m not good at making decisions. When asked my opinion on something, or what my preference would be, my most commonly used phrases are “I don’t know,” “I don’t mind,” and “What do you think?”

I appreciate that this can be annoying and frustrating in equal measures, especially when planning a wedding. And I think that my beautiful blushing bride-to-be is an absolute saint to be putting up with me. Because not only am I indecisive, but I keep not being able to come up with ideas – and I know that Neety is worried that I’m not ever going to give an opinion for the wedding, or just agree with her with she makes a suggestion, but the fact is that she and I get on so well that everything she suggests, I like.

And, while I may have creative ideas when it comes to writing, performing or any of the other things I like to do on a daily basis, for some reason I seem to be lacking in ideas when it comes to a wedding. Because I just can’t think of the things that need to be done.

I know there are invitations to be sent out, I know there is food to be decided upon, I know there’s a guest list to plan, a cake to choose, suits to pick, a dress to.. well actually, I won’t have anything to do with the dress, but you get the idea. I know there are also nine million other things that I can’t even think of but will be currently occupying corners of Neety’s brain.  

The only things I have had any ideas about so far are music for signing the register (for which I am composing my own), cake toppers (which was just an extension of Neety’s idea anyway), and some vague ideas for suits.

So I’m making a pact. With her, and with you, loyal LADYBRIDE readers. If I do or do not like something, I’ll say so. If I have an idea, no matter how silly I may think it is, I’ll say so. And if I want suggestions or advice, I’ll ask Neety, but I might also ask you guys, if you don’t mind.

And whether it’s a sensible question (like “What colour should my suit be?”) or a silly one (“Do you think it’d be a good idea to have giant life-sized cake replicas of the bride and groom as the wedding cake?) I know that you guys will help give me some kind of answer. Or at least a funny comment.

And with that, I’m gone. Neety’s next post will be along shortly, I’m sure, and I promise next time I’m here that I’ll write about something more.. well… substantial. But bye for now. 

The Wide Bride Ventures Forth

        Good morning. It’s 10AM, freezing bloody cold in my flat, and I’m ready to review some workout videos.

        I’ve got all my equipment ready:

·         Nearby water bottle

·         Remote control, in case I need to pause

·         Clothing: headband, trainers, loose cotton top, jogging bottoms

·         Decent sports bra (Wonderbra no less: makes boobs look like doughballs but I did the jump test and they didn’t move)

·         Mobile phone in case I crack a hip and have to call Brawny

        Let’s recap my rules, shall we?

1. No Davina McCall. Sorry, I really can’t face the prospect of exercise AND listening to her screeching.
2. Check out the user reviews – HMV, IMDB, Amazon, whatever.
3. Nothing too advanced. I’m only a beginner.

First up – PUMP IT UP! MINISTRY OF SOUND

(Under £10 online)

Remember this video? You might want to give it a quick watch because these Lycra-wearing lovelies (and the token bloke) are the hosts of this workout. Don’t be put off by their appearance: you can have the body of Gisele Bundchen and you will still look daft while doing lunges in neon legwarmers.

We start off with a section called ‘Heat’. Unlike most fitness DVDs where the warm-up has to be selected, ‘Heat’ starts us off with some gentle rhythmic exercises. Our host Deanne Berry is quite charming, and thankfully she doesn’t love the sound of her own voice as most video instructors do. Within a few minutes, I am bouncing away. The music isn’t necessarily my cup of tea, but it fits the routines very well.

And then something odd happens. I’m instructed to squat right down as far as I can, and flex my pelvis towards the camera. I hit the pause button and close my blinds before obliging; thanking God above that Brawny is at work and praying my parents don’t inexplicably drop by for a visit. As in the Eric Prydz video above, we are treated to a brief glimpse or two of leotard-clad pulsating fanny, but I don’t break my concentration. As cringe-worthy as the experience is, I can actually feel it working.

We’re on to a neat little salsa break in the middle, which helps to loosen me off a bit, and then straight back into gyrating and lunging to Benny Benassi. Sadly it's getting too much for me and I don’t last much longer. At the point of stopping, I’ve done 25 minutes.

GOOD: It’s fun and un-patronising. The routines are catchy, and although they’re repeated once or twice you don’t get bored by them. The mixture of aerobics, salsa and stretching keep the routines from becoming monotonous, and at times it even feels like dancing rather than exercise.

BAD: It seems to go on forever, meaning that I had to stop after 25 mins. Some of the moves were a bit hard to grasp first time.

UGLY: Pulsating. Lycra. Groins. I'm sorry, it's churlish, but I'm a little put off.

THE LOWDOWN: Great fun, as long as you like to dance and have pretty good co-ordination. Not good for beginners, as you may hurt yourself trying to keep up with some of the more complex steps. Ideally recommended for people who enjoy the clubbing atmosphere.

Next Up – WEIGHT WATCHERS: MOVE MORE

(Under £5 online/price varies at Weight Watchers meetings)

Seeing as though I’m following the plan, I thought I might as well see what the WW ladies have to offer. Compared to the bouncy fun of Pump it Up, this one is a little gentler: ideal for beginners like me.

The DVD is structured very cleverly. You can choose how long your workout is, from five minutes to forty, and it will automatically tack on a warm-up and cool-down session at the start and end, so there’d be no chance of me accidentally snapping a hamstring. I’ve picked a twenty minute workout, since that’s roughly how long I lasted into Pump it Up.

The difference between this workout and the last one is bluntly obvious. As it’s designed to go alongside the Weight Watchers plan, it’s all about introducing gentle physical movement into your weekly or daily routine. It focuses more on aerobics than dance, and the moves are carefully explained by the hosts, who are a group of girls also following the plan: in a way, it’s quite refreshing to see that some of the girls are progressing in their weight loss challenges rather than being un-naturally bronzed, tanned and toned.

Just as I feel I’m getting a little bored of the routines, we go on to a Boxercise-style section that gets my heart pumping and my body moving from top to bottom. With Pump It Up’s dance-based steps I often felt like I was working out my legs more than my upper body, and subsequently worried that I’d end up looking like I’d accidentally swapped lower bodies with Popeye.

I make it all the way through the workout this time – though my water bottle is as dry as a camel’s rear end.

GOOD: It’s gentler, so it would suit anyone looking to kick-start a weekly exercise routine. Workouts are based on varied styles of exercise including dance, aerobics, boxercise and even Pilates.

BAD: Sometimes you can feel a bit like you’re not working hard enough, thus causing morons like me to overdo it. I got lucky, but if you’re impatient you’ll either end up going mad or switching it off.

UGLY: Can’t really think of anything – although like I said, if used to a much faster-paced workout, this isn’t really the DVD for you.

THE LOWDOWN: Great for beginners, people with limited stamina or movement, or people following a calorie-controlled diet such as WW, Lighter Life or Slimming World. Not so great for those looking for an energising, sweaty workout.

And finally – MR MOTIVATOR’S BUMS, LEGS AND TUMS WORKOUT

(Under £4 online)

Ah, Mr M. We meet again.

For those of you that remember the enthusiastic fitness guru from GMTV in 1990s, you’ll be familiar with the concept of Mr Motivator’s exercise routines. If you’re not (or if the sight of a moustachioed man in neon leotards caused your brain to reboot itself), Mr M is a happy-clappy chappie known for his interesting sportswear and penchant for making ladies say “UUUUGH”.

Like Move More, the DVD cleverly tacks a gentle stepping and stretching-based warm up and cool down section onto the end of each workout. Unlike Move More, where you pick a workout based on how long you wish to exercise for, Mr M gets you to pick the body part you want to zone in on. You basically pile up your workouts in a manner similar to an online shopping cart, and then press ‘Start’. It reminds me of a video game, and this probably excites me a little more than it should. I pick the ‘Tums’ section, the ‘Legs’ section, and then a bizarre collection of words called ‘Pyramid: The Daily Dozen’.

Each workout opens with a lovely sweeping shot of a Caribbean beach, Cliffside or poolside, with Mr M and his swimsuit and sarong-clad lovelies bouncing happily about in the midst of the sumptuous sea and sand. Already I was feeling like flinging on my bikini – despite the fact that it was minus four and raining, plus I’m about four stone too heavy for a bikini just yet. Mr M’s enthusiasm is infectious: looking at the user reviews on Play.com informs me that he’s still a popular favourite with women young and old, more so in fact than most other celebrity fitness “gurus”. Mr M doesn’t explain the moves, quite often simply calling out names like “Grapevine!” that dancers will be familiar with, but thankfully he doesn’t rush ahead, giving you time to catch up if needs be. There’s a fun and funky Soca Calypso section that I recall doing with my Mum: if you don’t get a workout from the dance routine, you’ll get one from the inevitable laughter as you attempt some of the moves. The girls (and guys – there’s more than one token one!) in the background seem to be doing the same thing!

After each focused workout, I really do feel like that part of me has been thoroughly put through the works – there is a satisfying ache of accomplishment in my stomach muscles. Once we get onto the ‘Pyramid’ section, I realise that the pyramid symbolises different levels of exercise. You can join in wherever you like, especially if the moves get a little too much. If you go though the whole workout, it acts as cardio training, which would be the gym equivalent of blasting your way through all of the equipment in five-minute blocks.

I manage to get all the way through the workout, and I have fun while doing so. With the five-minute stretch and ten-minute warm-up, I’ve easily done half an hour.

GOOD: Very much like Mr M himself, the workouts are bright, colourful and bubbly. Easy to follow and quite gentle, the workouts suit all. A lot of the reviewers rate it as good fun for kids and adults to do together, as it conveys a “exercise can be fun” message – and certainly this exercise is.

BAD: A minor thing – on one of the beach workouts, the microphone picks up the sea breeze a bit too much and Mr M can’t be heard very well. It’s quickly rectified, though.

UGLY: Can’t really think of anything, unless of course you find Mr Motivator annoying. In which case, you wouldn’t buy the DVD anyway!

THE LOWDOWN: As much as I hate this phrase, Mr M’s BLT is a ‘good all-rounder’. If you’re a fan of the Zumba craze, this is a fun DVD to pop on and have a (very close) girlfriend come over for a workout and a giggle. If you’re not into dancing, the Pyramid and dedicated body zone workouts are more than enough to keep your exercise routine both focused and varied.

Got a fitness vid you’d like to see me try? Leave your suggestion in the comments box or on our Facebook page. If I can find it, I'll try it.

Please note: I did not actually attempt all of these videos in one afternoon, and you probably shouldn't either, unless you're Chuck Norris (which you're not). You should also consult your doctor before trying out any strenuous activity, changing your diet, or chopping off a limb in order to shift a few lbs. Odds are he'll say no to the last one: if he doesn't, change doctors immediately.

Caution: Wide Bride

For those of you that don’t know, Brawny and I met on the set of an independent film that he had written, starred in and directed, nearly seven years ago. The film was called Norwich and Saggers.

We were visiting our friends Chris and Laura (our Usher and Bridesmaid, respectively) last weekend and somehow we got to talking about Norwich and Saggers. The DVD was found and we began to watch. Small talk ensued:

“You were barely in the film,” said Brawny to me.

Chris and Laura looked at me. “You were in this film?!”

“Yeah,” I said. “I was the Receptionist.”

And sure enough, about twenty minutes in a girl who looked like she might have once been me appeared on screen. “You look really different!” said Chris.

As we tried to figure out if I’d ever been roofied and had my face stolen a la Face/Off, a full-body shot of my past self came on the screen. “That’s it!” I cried. “The reason I look different there is because I’m now about four stone heavier!”

No sooner had I said it, my heart sank. But it was true: seven years ago I’d been a student who had been visiting the College gym weekly as well as practicing Karate. On screen I was the thinnest and fittest I had ever been: in front of the screen, I was the biggest.

Since we’re not only leading up to my wedding but also to my best friend Liz’s wedding, I decided enough was enough: I was going to slim down. I've had enough of looking back at my photos and going "Er. Wow. Ouch."

I’m a fairly sensible eater: I don’t eat takeaway every week (we can’t afford it for a start), I don’t eat chocolate and cake every day and there are no such thing as microwave meals in our house. My only problem is quantity. A short while back, I tried Weight Watchers and found it worked well for me, and so I decided to give it another go.

But eating well isn’t the only way to get trim. I need to do a bit of exercise daily to keep my weight loss on the boost.

Brawny and I sat down to discuss our action plan. Although we live near a lot of beaches and parks, our primary method of transport is a motorbike and it’s a little difficult to keep good humour when you have to lug around 12lbs of leather jacket and a 5lb bike helmet each. Going shopping in bike gear is bad enough. So we decided that we’d try and do a walk once a week, and supplement it with other exercise.

The other day I was tidying the lounge and went to put a DVD away. As I slotted it into place I noticed a DVD with a bright pink spine bearing the phrase “PUMP IT UP!!!!!” It could only be an exercise DVD. Maybe I aught to give these another try.

So I hit the ‘net to find a few good exercise videos, and shortly found out that typing “I want to lose weight by sitting on my ass for six months” into Google is not going to get you any results (or at least any coherent ones). My three rules were as follows:

1.   No Davina McCall I'm sorry, I hate her

2.    Read the reviews first

3.    Nothing too advanced

After ruling out several, I found ten workouts that I thought I might try out. And because I’m so nice (and willing to humiliate myself for ol’ Uncle Internet), I’ll be reviewing them just for you.

I'll start my reviews in a fresh post, so to finish up now I’d like to share with you a few things I found while I was looking for a fitness vid, which fall under the subtitle ‘Is This Really a Thing?’ So go ahead and enjoy, and remember kiddies: laughing burns calories!

• This is a parody. I hope. Oh God, the bulging...

• “The Lion”. I think this is more ‘Exorcise’ than ‘Exercise’. In fact, here she is again. Please don’t try this at home. You'll hyperventilate and die, or unleash Cthulu. 

• A lovely Japanese girl gets an attack of the squits in a British park. How does she remember what to tell the pleasant, concerned stranger? Through aerobics of course! There’s also how to placate a mugger, how enjoy the lovely golfing weather, and describing how touched you were by a film. 

• And of course, there's Mock the Week.

^ YouTube.com user: kenny706, accessed 20/1/12

^ YouTube.com user: EmmyLuvsU08, accessed 20/1/12

^ YouTube.com user: tigertje67, accessed 20/1/12 

^ YouTube.com user: mathilda2046, accessed 20/1/12 

^ YouTube.com user: memeregime, accessed 20/1/12

^ YouTube.com user: satisfyinglife, (2vids) accessed 20/1/12
^ YouTube.com user: BBC, accessed 20/1/12

LADYBRIDE accepts no responsibility for user/site content other than the videos shown above.

You've Got Male

OK, so this is my first attempt at writing for LADYBRIDE, and before we start, I would like to apologise for not being a lady. I am Brawny, the lucky groom who gets to marry the regular author of this blog, Neety. I would also like to apologise for the title of this blog post. I tried to think of a pun, and sadly, what I came up with would have been rejected by the Sun. So I know it’s bad. Anyway, let’s get on, shall we?

This time a year ago, I knew nothing about weddings, and I still don’t know very much, although I do know that there’s an awful lot to do, it costs a lot of money, and large chunks of it are to do with making sure clothes, flowers, centrepieces and other items all match.

Now first of all, colours that match is something I’ve never understood. For example, my favourite colours are green and red, and I would quite happily wear a green t-shirt with an open red shirt over it. However, according to my ever-reliable bride-to-be, these two colours are don’t go together particularly well. Personally I don’t see why, and that’s a brilliant metaphor for this whole wedding malarkey.

I don’t understand colours. I don’t understand flowers. I certainly don’t understand dresses. I’m not the most decisive person in the world even when I know what I’m talking about, so in this situation I am incredibly useless.

Luckily, as a man, there is very little of the wedding preparation that I have to take the lead in organising, as Neety is quite happy to take the first steps of organisation, with me by her side, saying “Yes”, “No”, or, most commonly, “I don’t know”, to a selection of questions to do with colour schemes, dresses, flowers, or other things that I don’t understand.

Don’t get me wrong, when we are looking at a venue (for example), I can look at it practically, at the size, at the location, see if I like it or not etc., but as Neety has discovered to her peril, if she asks “Can you think of any other venues to look at?”, then she is greeted with a blank stare and a silence only punctuated by the word “ummmmm…” So far, this hasn’t caused her to snap and start throwing things at my head, for which I am eternally grateful, and thank her from the bottom of my heart about.

So what am I in charge of? A few things. I’m planning the honeymoon (at my request), but that won’t appear on this blog at all, as I am planning on keeping the destination secret until the day. I’ve started making decisions about my suit (I want a top hat, tails and a cane. Probably pointy tails, but I don’t know what those are officially called!), and most importantly, I am the moneyman. Yes, I have to do the budget.

Now I find budgeting for anything quite an easy process, (The budgeting part is easy. Sticking to the budget? Now that’s an entirely separate kettle of fish,) but so far for the wedding, I’m faced with a couple of problems. Firstly, I have no idea what is a sensible cost for anything (although I have noticed the trend that as soon as you write the word “wedding” in front of anything, the price increases by at least 50%), and secondly, I don’t know what the budget we will have in the first place, as we haven’t yet planned our savings or discussed money with our parents.

I apologise, this blog appears to have rambled on quite a bit, and I’m not sure that I made any kind of point or entertainment whatsoever. I’ll try and do better next time, I promise.

In the meantime, I can’t emphasise how excited I am at the prospect of Neety being my wife in sixteen months and fifteen days time. Not that I’m counting or anything. ;)

Groom out.

Lessons in Love: Part Two

        It’s twenty past seven. The TV has been dusted, the custard creams arranged on one of my best Whittards’ plates and the turtles placated with a large hunk of salmon. And I am sat bolt upright on the sofa, with a facial expression that looks like I am trying really hard not to fart.

        “Jonathan’ll be here in a minute,” Brawny says, rivalling Captain Obvious in the ‘no, dur’ stakes. I shoot him a disparaging look; the gesture is ultimately lost on him, mainly because he’s playing Batman on the XBOX. I am just contemplating changing into brown underwear, when the door buzzer goes.

        In a move obviously inspired by the Caped Crusader, Brawny leaps off of the sofa. His movements are fluid; he ejects the game disc and turns the TV off, whirls past the dining table, placates the turtles with a handful of mealworm, speeds down the hallway and opens the front door before I’ve even said “Can you get that babe?”

        I am incredibly aroused by this display. Then I remember where I am, and snap out of it.

        You see, I mentioned a few posts back that we had unanimously decided that our service had to be conducted by Jonathan, friend of the family and vicar of the local church. It was one of the easiest decisions of my life. The venue is perfect; spacious and bright, and the drama group where Brawn and I met is held in the church hall. Not to mention Jonathan himself, who is that fantastic rare mixture of kind sincerity and a good sense of humour.

        Upon arrival Jonathan was genuinely pleased to see us, enquired after our families, and graciously accepted my feeble offer of a cup of tea. He sat us down, gave us a little bit of reading material, and then told us to relax. Given how tense I had been until that moment, I almost trickled down the sofa into a puddle on the floor.

        First, he took down as much as he could about the ceremony. Given that it’s early days, we were only really able to give him the names of our wedding party. Jonathan went through the ceremony and where we would all be standing during each part. Unfortunately, most of the information turned to soggy cornflakes floating in the stale milk of my tiny mind.

Then, it was on to the vows. Sat on our sofa and gazing into each other’s eyes, Brawny and I talked through our vows to each other, with help from Jonathan.

Normally whenever Brawny and I have to focus on something important, it automatically becomes the most hilarious thing in the world. But this time, it was different. Marriage vows are a strange thing. Each one was a small transaction between us, in which we promised to care for and love each other in exchange for support, understanding and patience. We’d given each other so much already, and it is still only the beginning.

After an hour or two, Jonathan left us with a promise to catch up in the New Year. There’s apparently a gathering for the soon-to-be-married couples, which we’re both looking forward to. As always, I’ll keep you guys posted.

Just so we leave on a warm and fuzzy note, I’m going to feed you a few ‘wedding’ facts that you may or may not know. Jonathan actually quizzed us on a few of the more traditional ones – being the little Teacher’s pet that I am, I got them all right and sat there with an insufferable Hermione-Granger-like smirk. Let’s see if you can do the same.

The term ‘Best Man’ originates from when Scotsmen would team together to abduct a bride! In this case, the ‘Best Man’ was the most forthcoming chap during the abduction. Luckily for him, we won’t be expecting our BM Phil to cart me off over his shoulders.

The Groom stands and sits to the right of the Bride all throughout the wedding day, so his right hand (his sword hand) is free to ward off suitors who might steal her away!

Bridesmaids wear similar dresses so as to confuse evil spirits. Long ago, they would dress similarly to the bride for the same reason.

In Medieval times, the couple’s family bought many cakes to the reception. They would then pile them up one by one and have the couple kiss over the tiers, going as high as they could!

The wedding veil ensures that no other man sees the bride’s face on her wedding day before her husband does.

The veil also prevented unscrupulous Medieval fathers from ‘swapping’ the bride – which they sometimes did if there was an unwed older sister in the family! For the same reason, C of E marriages seldom take place in the evenings.

It was Pope Innocent III’s idea to put a waiting period between betrothal and marriage – so you can thank him for engagement rings!

Snake-shaped wedding rings with rubies for eyes were popular in Victorian Britain.

A couple marrying in a church must post the Banns three weeks prior to their wedding. This was originally to ensure that the Bride and Groom were not related – anyone in the community that knew they were could speak up before the wedding. If they miss their chance, they could speak up after the Officiate says “Speak now or forever hold your peace”!

The Attack of Bridezilla

        “It’ll be fine. I won’t spill down it, or tear it on a door handle. I’m not precious about these things.”

        That’s me talking that is. I’m talking about my wedding dress: the dress I haven’t even picked out yet. Don’t I sound like an idiot?

        But what about the flowers? Said the cautious part of my brain. What if they don’t turn up on the day?

So? They’re just flowers.

        What if the caterers mess up?

        It’s just food.

        What if it rains?

        I’ll use a brolly. OK, so it’s the biggest day of my life, but I’m determined not to be ‘precious’ about it.

And just like that, I’d managed to convince myself that I was cooler than Mr Freeze’s underpants. I totally believed my own hype. So what if I trip and fall down the aisle? I’ll laugh it off and get up again. My Dad will probably shout “Drunk already?” Then we’ll all laugh, the photographer will get a lovely off-the-cuff shot of the Ushers chuckling as my new husband helps me up and it’ll be forgotten in minutes. There’s no point getting upset over the little things – I couldn’t possibly control them anyway, so what’s the use in crying over stumbling Bride?

I related this to both my Maid of Honour and to Brawny, and they both loved me too much to do more than raising an eyebrow.

“Seriously,” I said. “It’ll be fine. So what if Mr and Mrs So-and-So had cupcakes at their wedding last year. It’s no big deal.”

Pride comes before a fall, doesn’t it? Only I didn’t think I was being proud until one day when I was flicking idly through Twitter.

And then I saw it: a tweet from a friend who was at a wedding. Someone else had picked the same song as us for their first dance.

I was acutely aware of intense heat and a whistling noise. I looked around to see if the kettle was on, and then I realised it was coming from my own face. Steam was almost literally pouring out of my ears and nostrils. I stared at my phone in disbelief, as if it was playing a particularly nasty trick on me.

Brawny came into the kitchen to find a scene reminiscent of post-apocalyptic Tokyo: with me stomping around in the middle like Godzilla, ranting about sheer rotten luck and how it was ‘our song’ and ‘nobody else’s’.

I managed to chill out for long enough to explain the situation to him, and he looked nonplussed. “So?” he said. “Our wedding’s not for a while yet; people won’t even make the association.”

I mumbled something feeble along the lines of people having ‘seen it all before’, yawning throughout our first dance as Man and Wife, or even exiting the room in disgust.

Not for the first time in our relationship, Brawny looked at me as if I was mad.

“No they won’t.”

He gave me a big cuddle, and as my fuming ebbed and died off in the nook of his armpit I realised that maybe, just maybe, I was being a bit ‘precious’ about something. But it was really important – that song had been our connection while he lived in London some 200 miles away from me, it had been the song he once serenaded me with, and the lyrics described perfectly how we felt about each other.

Maybe I needed to get my priorities right. Just like I can’t control the weakness of my ankles or the weather on the day, I can’t go around putting a Fatwa on anyone in the world who picks the same song as us. This was personal for Brawny and I; and in the end it would be just us dancing together and nobody else. But maybe it’s also OK to want the best for your big day. I guessed I would just have to find a balance that would suit us both.

While my rage was gone, a dull sting of wistfulness nicked at my heart. But almost as if he was sensing my emotions, my fantastic fiancée leant down and whispered in my ear:

“Besides, I have big plans.”

A Decent Proposal

        I’m sitting on a towel on the beach on a beautiful sunny day in July. The sky is blue, the sea is calm, and in front of me is a picnic with all my favourite foods: smoked salmon, crusty bread, fruit salad and chorizo. There’s a flute of rose champagne in my hand.

        But I’m not looking at the view, the picnic or the people running around in swimming costumes. I’m looking down at a little box in my boyfriend’s hands.

        “Will you be my wife?” He asks.

I manage a ‘Yes!’ despite my initial disbelieving splutter-fest, and he slips a beautiful silver ring inlaid with diamonds and freshwater pearls onto my ring finger.

And we're suddenly in a whole new world – betrothed, enfianced, engaged. I find myself constantly blushing and smiling, exposing my left hand to anyone and everyone, joining my parents in gushing about my future husband and how lovely he is. Before now I don’t think I've ever gushed over anything that wasn’t a baby reptile.

Once the flurry of ‘congratulations’ emails, cards, Facebook messages and visits had passed, I went to see my best friend Liz who is herself getting married. (Being best friends, naturally we're each other's Maid of Honour.)

The date isn’t until April next year, but her cosy Southampton flat is packed with wedding paraphernalia. She hands me a thick wedge of magazines and we start poring through them.

And it’s just like trying to shop for a regular dress. In a shop with no exits. While you’re on Acid.

This is how to get yourself thrown out of Beales, in case you're interested.

You know those girls that demand a Magical Wedding Barbie at age four? The ones that have perfectly visualized their dress; the first dance, the fillings in the vol-au-vents right down to the last fragment of lace trim and glazed prawn. I’m not one of those. I literally have no idea what to do at a wedding ceremony. Plonk me in the middle of one and I’ll make a weird joke about communism and fall sideways over the master table.

And now the man I love has decided that he wants to settle down with me. Me; the woman who eats like a pig, the woman who loves her pet turtles more than most humans, the woman who makes jokes about Stalin at other people’s special day.

So because I’m such a fan of a good fish-out-of-water story, I thought I’d take the opportunity to start a documentation of my experience. After all, here I am on the cusp of everything I’ve ever really dreamed of: not the colour-coordinated flowers and the three-tiered cake, but a man who knows how awkward and weird and disgusting I can be and still wants in on it for the rest of our lives.

So you are welcome to join me on what promises to be an interesting trip towards the rest of my waiting life.